How to Work Together

Hale says co-founders need to build a relationship that can last 10 years, even if they have known each other only briefly. He draws on John Gottman's Seattle marriage research: watching a couple argue for 15 minutes predicted divorce four years later with 85% accuracy, rising to 94% when they also discussed hopes and dreams. Couples who stay together still fight, often about money, children, sex, time, jealousy, and in-laws, which Hale maps to tensions that can arise in a company.

Hale describes criticism, contempt, refusing responsibility, and stonewalling as patterns that put a relationship in serious trouble. Criticism shifts a discussion from the bug delaying a deployment to unrelated grievances; contempt makes it personal with an insult. Refusing responsibility blocks resolution, while walking away and refusing to engage leaves no path to one.

Hale recommends assigning responsibility early, then agreeing on what counts as success and what should trigger a difficult conversation. He gives examples such as fundraising successfully or shipping on time as reasons to let the owner continue, and says founders should decide how to resolve problems, often through the CEO or, if needed, the board. He also urges co-founders to understand attachment styles: an anxious person may need reassurance, while an avoidant person may need space and a clear time to return to the discussion.

Hale suggests documenting a disagreement process before tensions rise; Matter's spreadsheet records options, the decision maker, the outcome, date, and reasoning. He also presents a Nonviolent Communication format: describe an observation, name a feeling, identify a universal need, and make a specific request. For example, say three report numbers were inaccurate rather than calling someone's work sloppy, and ask for a concrete behavior rather than a vague change.

Hale compares unresolved relationship problems to emotional debt and recommends addressing small issues before they grow. He calls deeper discussions about current tensions Level 3 conversations, distinct from routine information sharing or more personal but less relational conversations. Topics to revisit include company goals, role clarity, workload, motivation, feedback, and whether the team has time and a process for honest discussion.